Thursday, January 26, 2006

GAMES THAT MAY MAKE YOU WANT TO VOMIT AND YOUR WALLET CRY

THE TOP GAMES OF 2005 THAT MADE ME WANT TO VOMIT AND PUT MY WALLET ON STRIKE ARE.


Game Boy Advance: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2K Games): “There isn’t really any fun to be had past an hour, if you can even get that far without replacing the cartridge slot with something more… fun.” — Nintendo Power

GameCube: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2K Games): “The controls are awful, the camera is beyond appalling, the graphics are hideous, the environments are bare, the gameplay is unbearably repetitive and the whole thing is an utter chore to play.” — Eurogamer

Nintendo DS: Animaniacs: Lights, Camera, Action (Ignition Entertainment): “Anyone older than 3 that picks this game up for themselves should really have their head examined. The reason is simple: Animaniacs is a child’s game through and through, but the gameplay is way too frustrating for the intended audience.” — Game Chronicles

PlayStation 2: Conspiracy: Weapons of Mass Destruction (Oxygen Interactive): “Conspiracy is a messy doodle of a game, characterless like a mushed slab of wet soap. There’s no hook, no gimmick, not a single hint that even the tiniest shred of imagination has been expended during its creation.” — Computer and Video Games

PC: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2K Games): “This game is terrible in every area, with unresponsive controls, choppy graphics, and uninteresting minigames that look and feel a lot like the free Java/Flash games available on the Web.” — GameSpot

PSP: Rengoku: The Tower of Purgatory (Konami): “Here’s how Rengoku works: take something cool and mess it up. It’s that simple. They took robots and they made them boring and stupid.” — Thunderbolt

Xbox: Chicago Enforcer (Kemco): “It sucks in a vomitous, spirit-crushing kind of way.” — Game Informer

Top 10 Worst Xbox Games
Guide Picks

These games are some of the worst of the worst you’ll find on the Xbox. These games are poorly made and are just flat out bad. There is a flip side to this sad tale, though. Sure these games are bad, but they are so bad that they are almost good. Well, not really, but because they are famous for being so bad they are desirable games to have in your collection. Most of them are easy to find for pretty cheap. Now your collection can have both the best and the worst the Xbox has to offer.

1) Drake of the 99 Dragons
One of the worst reviewed games ever, Drake of the 99 Dragons is nothing more than an in joke at this point among Xbox fans. Whenever there is a clearance sale or EB or GameStop advertise “great deals”, Drake is almost always among the available titles. It was panned for having uninspired cel-shaded graphics, horrendous voice acting, terrible controls, and some of the worst targeting ever found in a third person shooter.
2) Gravity Games Bike: Street Vert Dirt
After the PS2 version met with poor reviews, everyone assumed that the Xbox version was cancelled. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. Released with no marketing, no fanfare, no buzz, not even word of mouth, Gravity Games Bike plopped onto store shelves like the slug it is and there it sat because no one would touch it. This game was released basically incomplete and as such it is pretty much unplayable thanks to poor controls and hideous graphics.
3) Batman: Dark Tomorrow
Featuring a halfway decent story and good voice acting, Batman Dark Tomorrow lured quite a few Batman fans in only to disappoint them with muddy controls, frustrating and poorly executed gameplay, a bad camera, and blurry graphics. Funnily enough, this game went through an incredible number of delays. You would think that with all of the extra time the developers had the final product would have been better.
4) Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis
The myth, the legend. Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis is another title that Xbox fans love to hate because it is always, always, always on sale clogging up bargain bins and sitting in front of other more desirable titles. Cookie-cutter game design at its worst, the only thing that really has anything to do with Aquaman is the fact that his name is on the box.
5) Kabuki Warriors
Perhaps the most famous of the bad games, Kabuki Warriors is definitely a low point in the Xbox lineup. Shallow combat, ugly characters, lazy translation and overall game design. There is really nothing good to say about Kabuki Warriors. It is 2D weapons based fighting at its absolute worst.
6) Bruce Lee: Quest of the Dragon
This game got quite a bit of attention when it was announced because the prospect of a fighting game starring the martial arts master himself sounded like a great idea. The only problem is that the fighting engine is absolutely horrible and doesn’t really resemble anything Bruce Lee taught because he was never this sloppy. Bad graphics and sound and ridiculous load times were the deathblow to this title.
7) Fight Club
Fight Club is an awesome movie, but it makes for a horrible game. Making a fighting game based off of it sounds like a good idea, that is of course if you have never actually seen the movie. Sure the fighting is raw and brutal, but it wasn’t really what Fight Club was about. Bad graphics, pitifully easy gameplay, lame attempts to tie in with the movie – this game is a stinker.
8) MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch
Celebrity Deathmatch lost its luster after the first couple of times you watched it, so making a game based off of it seemed sketchy at best. The main problem with the Celebrity Deathmatch videogame (other than the fact that it has horrible gameplay and ugly graphics) is that it was released several years too late to really capitalize on the show’s success.
9) Shrek Super Party
Trying desperately to cash in on Nintendo’s Mario Party phenomenon, Shrek Super Party put you in the roles of the Shrek cast and you play a bunch of minigames for some reason. Bad controls, bad gameplay concepts for the minigames, blurry graphics, and a decided lack of difficulty or challenge for even little kids make this a bad game.
10) Bad Boys: Miami Takedown
I have always been of the opinion that if you are trying to do a movie game without the original actors or at least people that sound really close to them, don’t even bother making the game. Miami Takedown suffers from horrendous voice acting and an overall disregard for everything that made the Bad Boys movies entertaining.

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